From Mormon to Mushrooms

 The first time I mowed a lawn, I was 26 or 27. I felt so empowered and capable! And it was a riding mower at that! I grew up with two older sister and two older brothers. When my older brothers graduated high school and moved out of the house, my parents wondered who would mow their lawn when they didn't want to. They still had 4 daughters left at home and my older sister and I happily volunteered to learn to do it. We were told no because we were girls. That was when my parents started paying neighbor boys to do the mowing instead of using the willing free labor. Because we were girls.

This memoir writing shit is all new to me. I thought it'd be a good idea to microdose on mushrooms to get my creative juices flowing today. What it did was open up all of the suppressed emotions connected to the memories and I got overwhelmed really fast. Stopped mid-sentence to just let the tears flow and text Wayne, my college lit professor who is coaching and encouraging me through this. That intensified the feelings and I started hyperventilating a bit. Took myself outside for fresh air and sunshine, grounding on my clover and hugging a tree. Played piano. Resumed writing until I couldn't see again for teary vision. Stopped to shower and blast "Brave" by Sara Bareilles on repeat for half an hour, just collapsed on the shower floor, sobbing and sobbing, letting the water wash over me and take it all with it. Dried off, stepped out, didn't feel ready. Returned to the shower to let out a scream, then came back out to resume life.

 Sara Bareilles' song Brave has been running through my head, pulsing out my fingers when I open my amazon music app, vibrating in such a rich, deep resonance from my vocal chords when I'm practicing it for karaoke. It's been a couple weeks and damn, the way she talks is just what I need. The way out of my cage I live in, SAY what you wanna say and let the words fall out. It's exactly the opposite of everything I've done my whole life. I know there are times where I explode with living, or I'm really direct, and so many, many more times I've been that nice girl who just takes all the shit and pretends all is fine. You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love Or you can start speaking up Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do When they settle 'neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if y...

  7/18/23 Maria von Trapp said, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” And I’ve thought about that and tried to think about what my beginning would be. I’m really not sure. So second line of thought: There’s no time like the present. So present: I’m sitting in bed, it’s 10 pm, I’m wearing a charcoal face mask, listening to my cat Athena go wild with her bell ball on my hardwood living room floor. She enjoyed her cat nip a little late tonight and it shows. There’s six kids in the house and not a peep from any one of them. We said our love ya, good nights at 9:30, including our friend who is sleeping over. My house is a revolving door for kids in the summer. I had a really great day today! Woke up at 6:30 naturally, enjoyed sunlight on my face and a fresh breeze coming in from my window. Seeing my neighbor’s sprinkler going in his backyard reminded me that I forgot to turn on my scheduled watering yesterday. It’s finally needed. Did my morning gratitud...