The beginning. Not of the book, but of writing

 

7/18/23

Maria von Trapp said, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” And I’ve thought about that and tried to think about what my beginning would be. I’m really not sure. So second line of thought: There’s no time like the present.

So present: I’m sitting in bed, it’s 10 pm, I’m wearing a charcoal face mask, listening to my cat Athena go wild with her bell ball on my hardwood living room floor. She enjoyed her cat nip a little late tonight and it shows. There’s six kids in the house and not a peep from any one of them. We said our love ya, good nights at 9:30, including our friend who is sleeping over. My house is a revolving door for kids in the summer.

I had a really great day today! Woke up at 6:30 naturally, enjoyed sunlight on my face and a fresh breeze coming in from my window. Seeing my neighbor’s sprinkler going in his backyard reminded me that I forgot to turn on my scheduled watering yesterday. It’s finally needed. Did my morning gratitude journaling, read a chunk of Tuesdays With Morrie, and then decided to open my laptop to see if a Suburban I’ve been eyeing for a week is still available. If she is, that means she’s mine. I’ve been soft shopping for cars since August. My Honda Odyssey is starting to struggle with life and at 14 years old, I don’t wanna invest. I wanna upgrade. But there’s too many options, too many possibilities, too much brainwashing and money stigma and guilt that I was raised with that every time I tried, I shut down in overstimulation and stress. But today I feel free. Today I feel great. Today, I’m gonna make it rain for me.

I called the dealership, asked if Gwenivere is available. I’ve already named her. Have had her named for weeks. Watch the Pixar movie ‘Onward’ if you wanna understand. She is, but they don’t quite open for another 20 minutes, can they call me back. Yes, cool. While waiting for that, I called my bank to start getting approved for a loan. Sam was great and very quick and helpful. Got things sorted in about 10 minutes. Perfect. Waiting for the email. Rodrick from Houston calls me back. We go over a few specs, why the car has stayed on the lot for over a week when these things are flying like nobody’s business. It’s the color, he says, people don’t like the champagne color. I said, dude, that’s what’s got me most excited!

In a brief intermission there, I called my AC tech from last week to schedule him for my two commercial HVAC tuneups, and further discuss the system replacement we had previously discussed. I said what the hell, let’s do it. Both are scheduled for tomorrow morning. He’ll email me paperwork to commit and get it rolling.

It’s now 10 am, and my Walmart grocery order has already been delivered and put away by my children. They’ve all eaten breakfast and the younger three have run off to the neighbors’ house 5 doors down. They practically live there right now, coming home to eat and sleep. I mixed my first MUD/WTR drink, spread some chive & onion boursin on sourdough bread and topped with some canned smoked baby clams, ran back to my bedroom in time for my life coach session. Continued with emails and texts with Sam the banker and Rodrick the car salesman while Brandon talked to me about cause & effect. Sorry, Bran.

Finished the life coach sesh and finalized all remaining car and bank communications. Gwenivere should be delivered Saturday and they’ll haul my van away for me too, I just have to send some dash and VIN pics. Thank you for your service!

Now I need to sync several of my calendars, so I text my sister to verify activity dates for next week’s family reunion. Verified, but also, she said several sisters and my mom are stressed about the need to book timed entry tickets in advance to my zoo. No prob, lemme handle it. Watched an episode of Santa Clarita Diet with my 13yo son, ate lunch, ran to Costco with my 11yo daughter. Returned home to unload groceries with all the kids (younger three had returned for food). Told the kids to eat lunch and then clean up the downstairs, which is in upheaval due to bed replacements and rearrangements in the boys’ room. But the space needs to be clean and clear for the appliance overhaul tomorrow morning. Renewed my membership to allow me to get 2 adults and 6 kids in, booked those ticket entries. Added 5 adults, 1 child, 1 infant tickets, done in less than 10 minutes. All while sipping cold brew hibiscus tea to rehydrate. We’re good.

Kids are being a little snappy and short with each other, I remind them to check themselves and speak kindly. Nathan the HVAC tech is texting and emailing all the paperwork. Here’s one to sign. Done! Here’s another one. Done! Last one just sent. Got it done! Really, the one I just sent you? Yep. You’re funny Meg. Why?! I mean, I know, but why am I funny this time? You’re just on top of it.

Time to get ready for Pokemon. Pack things and let’s go. Gotta take Katie to the Target over there because the close one doesn’t carry the tiny, portable, rechargeable nail gel setter she wants. Two dresses (for me) later, we’re ready to carry on to Pokemon dropoff. Thora and I swing over to my shop in the same parking lot where I have my check-ins with employees. I tell ya, I don’t know exactly what astrology energy shift happened yesterday, but everyone has been testy, emotional, and highly on edge. My employee and I got heated with each other and had unloads. I left huffy, and after returning home kept calling her with “And another thing!” Got things all out of my system, she communicated her needs, we pushed back at each other several times, and I ended with, “You know, I want you to know that we just spent a lot of time exploding at each other and that doesn’t effect my desire to continue working with you. I hope you feel the same way. That we can express ourselves to each other this way and really say how we feel and come to peace and understanding and move forward.” I think that shocked her.

Dinner prep. Mom called to talk about reunion stuff for next week and the dinner with my uncle’s family that I decided to go to even though I have little interest, but sure, why not give those assholes another try and see if they’re any less assholish. And my mom asks if I’ll be okay being around my youngest sister, whom I have purged from my life after multiple attacks and officially classifying her as a danger and threat to myself and children. Mom doesn’t know this though, I’ve let her carry on like an ostrich with her head in the sand, which is where she feels comfortable. But to listen to her tell me that she wants me to play it nice and not cause drama or scenes or air out dirty laundry with family made me snap. And I went off on her about what her daughter has done to me all these years starting just 3 months into my widowhood and single parenthood, attacking me after asking me to help her, when it should have been the other way around. And then to constantly be treated by my mother like I’M the problem and troublemaker, no. I’m done with this bullshit and I am DONE being silenced when all I’m doing is defending myself and my kids from abuse. And for THAT matter, that uncle, aunt, and cousins mean nothing to me because they treated me the same way when my abusive asshole father was on his sick and death beds and I wouldn’t come around and just be nice like they wanted me to. My uncle straight up told me that my father’s abuses to me didn’t matter and that family and duty to family come first. Nope. Fuck that and fuck you. So nevermind Mom, you can have your peaceful “nothing wrong here” family dinner. I don’t want to be a part of it, my life is more peaceful and happy without that shit. See ya on Monday for the zoo.

Alright now, effectively pick up the kids from karate, swing by the friend’s house to pick up that kid for a sleepover, promise to answer his question about his math assignment if I packs his book. Red Thai curry with tofu for dinner. Little three gone to the neighbors’ house again. I take Ria, my Texican Chihuahua Jack Russell terrier Australian cattle dog, for our nightly hour-long walk in the park. I’m being particularly competitive this month because there was a St. Jude’s ad on Facebook asking for participants to complete 50 miles in the month of July for fundraising and research in exchange for a shirt and I clicked along with it. It’s July 18 and I’ve logged 55.1 miles. At this point, I’ve decided to push for 100. I’ve got time…

 

7/19/23

I’m currently separated from my husband, who is French and attempting the legal process of getting a green card since we got married.

 

7/26/23

My family has attempted to silence me twice in the past week when I’ve spoken up about past abuse or experiences. I’ve thought often about how uncomfortable they would feel if I really did write my life story the way people have been asking me to for years. And after this week, I’m officially out of fucks to give. They want me to be silent, happy, demure, perfect, no dirty laundry. Abuse isn’t dirty laundry. And I’ve already spent 29 years of my life taking it silently. Keeping it hidden to maintain that clean family look. Fuck that.

The silences? A lovely dinner conversation with my ten-years-senior sister, complaining about how Idaho doesn’t adequately prepare her son for college by not assigning homework in high school. I said it beats having 4-5 hours a night and getting yelled at by your dad for it, as if you had any control over it. “No one wants to hear your childhood trauma.” Oh. Wow. Well, it was relevant to the conversation. Did we want to unpack why you’re so angry about no homework? Because that seems loaded…

And then there was the phone call from Mom, catching up on the week, but then talking about the dinner with my uncle’s family coming up. I said I had hesitated because I don’t have a relationship with any of them, but that Jake (my brother) had convinced me to go to hang out with him. Mom says, “Well, I hate to break it to you, but we’re *all* going…” “Okay…” “So I just want to know if you can be civil with Lori and not cause drama.” I said, “Mom, I’ve been fine keeping my distance from her for years, she’s the problem. I’ve even trained my kids to all stay away from her now.” “Okay, well I just also don’t want you to talk about your problems with anyone and air out dirty laundry in front of the family.”

I lost my motherfucking mind.

“Mom, do you even know why we don’t talk?”

“No, and I don’t want to. I don’t want it to affect my relationship with either of you. I just know it was something that happened on the roadtrip all those years ago.”

“No, nothing happened on the road trip. Everything was fine and good. Mom, I know you haven’t wanted to know what’s gone on between us because you don’t want it to affect your relationship with either one of us. But I need you to know that I’m not the problem. She yelled at me because she didn’t want me to accept a job offer from her boss. It wasn’t taking her job, it was just working in the same space for a couple weeks out of the year. And then, during Covid lockdown, she called the police and sent them to my house because Thora video called her and said, ‘I don’t know where my mom is.’ Thora was 4. I could’ve been on the toilet or talking to the neighbor. I was running an errand, picking up a telescope from Facebook marketplace and it’s not like in that time you could get babysitters or take people anywhere because everyone wanted distance and zero contact. And she called the police. Even the police said that was shit asshole behavior of someone who hates me and wants to ruin my life. The police were appalled at how my sister treated me. And I know it was her because they had the phone number to call back with the report, as she demanded.”

“Oh, I’m sorry that’s what happened.”

“Yeah, me too. So I’m tired of being treated like *I’m* the problem, *I’m* the troublemaker. I’m not. I protect myself and my kids from abusers, and I get attacked by my family for it. Same thing with Doug’s family. They all turned against me because I didn’t come back to Dad’s sick bed and choose family duty over my personal health and needs. I even told Doug about Dad’s abuses and he literally said to me, ‘That doesn’t matter. Family loyalty does.’ So fuck that and fuck them. You can have your peaceful family dinner. I won’t be there. My life is happier and I have more peace without any of them in it and I was already unsure about trying them out again, so that’s okay. I’ll just continue on without.”

*tongue tsk* “Meg! Are you sure? I wasn’t trying to…”

“Yep, I’m sure. Just fine and happy on my own. Don’t include us in the head count. See you at the zoo on Monday.”

 

 

7/27/23

I grew up in Aurora, Colorado. I suppose my first memory was from a week before my 5^th birthday. Mom and Dad were gone to the hospital to labor and deliver my second younger sibling. My sister Becky and I were staring out the living room window by the driveway, anticipating whenever they might return. And Becky said to me, “If it’s a boy, I get your dog pull-toy.” It was a Fisher-Price Little Snoopy and it was my favorite toy. I was too young to know I could say no. So in pure dread, I stood there, just a head above the windowsill, wishing they just wouldn’t come home at all.

My freshman year in high school, I spent countless hours of August and September crying in my school counselor’s office about how awful my dad was, how much I hated any time I had to be at home, and that I knew my aunt had graduated a year early from high school. She said it was possible and by October, helped me hatch a plan to do so. She waived all of the minimum grade level requirements for classes and rearranged all my schedules any time it was needed. It gave me light at the end of the tunnel. I announced my plan to my parents.

That year, my dad took us to a cabin in the mountains by a lake for fall break. It was cold, windy, even more cold by the lake. My three sisters and I only attempted being outside once. We spent the rest of the time inside playing games and reading books and trying to enjoy the time. At the end, Dad asked us if we enjoyed it. My three sisters said yes, but that was the diplomatic answer. At 15, I was already more directly honest than diplomatic. So I said, “No, actually we didn’t. It was a bit boring, it was cold outside and there wasn’t much to do.” My sisters looked at me like I had a death wish. Dad lit into yelling, “That’s because you didn’t go outside and you stayed inside reading the whole time.” Um, that was my only source of entertainment and I did have assigned reading over fall break. Now, as a parent, I can see his side thinking I was an ungrateful child while he made so much effort to do something fun for us. However, the story continues…

When we got home, I was a teenage girl in high school, eager to spend some time off school with friends. Instead, I got yelled at again for reading too much. Told that if I have so much homework I have it on breaks, I won’t be allowed to graduate early from school. Graduating in 4 years or 3 years still wouldn’t have changed the fact that there is fall, winter, spring, and summer break homework. That was just a fact. On top of that, I was forced to create an exercise regimen that I had to complete daily before I was allowed to read. I quit reading out of fear. I didn’t complete a single book for English that entire year and I didn’t ask for any books on my Christmas list. Becky was the only one who noticed. She told Mom, who tried to convince me I was still allowed to read, but that didn’t change anything. I didn’t read for years.