en suite

 Sara Bareilles' song Brave has been running through my head, pulsing out my fingers when I open my amazon music app, vibrating in such a rich, deep resonance from my vocal chords when I'm practicing it for karaoke. It's been a couple weeks and damn, the way she talks is just what I need. The way out of my cage I live in, SAY what you wanna say and let the words fall out. It's exactly the opposite of everything I've done my whole life. I know there are times where I explode with living, or I'm really direct, and so many, many more times I've been that nice girl who just takes all the shit and pretends all is fine.


You can be amazingYou can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drugYou can be the outcastOr be the backlash of somebody's lack of loveOr you can start speaking upNothing's gonna hurt you the way that words doWhen they settle 'neath your skinKept on the inside and no sunlightSometimes a shadow winsBut I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna sayAnd let the words fall outHonestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to sayAnd let the words fall outHonestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see youI just wanna see youI just wanna see youI wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see youI just wanna see youI just wanna see youI wanna see you be brave
Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared downBy the enemyFallen for the fear and done some disappearingBow down to the mightyBut don't run, stop holding your tongueMaybe there's a way out of the cage where you liveMaybe one of these days you can let the light inShow me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna sayAnd let the words fall outHonestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to sayAnd let the words fall outHonestly I wanna see you be brave
Innocence, your history of silenceWon't do you any goodDid you think it would?Let your words be anything but emptyWhy don't you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna sayAnd let the words fall outHonestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to sayAnd let the words fall outHonestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see youI just wanna see youI just wanna see youI wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see youI just wanna see youI just wanna see youSee you be brave
I just wanna see youI just wanna see youI just wanna see you
I just wanna see youI just wanna see youI just wanna see you


She has been the biggest fiery source of support I've had in weeks. That's not to say I've been lacking for support, that just saying these words have made the biggest impact because it's something I can turn on every time I need it.


So continuing that last writing session, I said I didn't complete reading a single book my freshman year, and that just continued the next two years of high school. Remember, I graduated in 3 years. A point which my own classmates did not know was to escape the family hell hole, not because I was academically motivated as they all assumed. So between my dad scaring me out of reading and making it so goddamn uncomfortable and having toddlers who pulled out my bookmarks, I don't know when I did any reading of any substance in my adult life. I read books aloud to my kids, but any time I tried to carve out space for me to read a book I wanted, I received pushback. I read the whole Harry Potter series in a binge while I had just one baby. He'd sleep at night and Shad worked late night shifts, so I'd have some good hours alone to just read and absorb as much as I could. One time when I did the same thing when we had 2 kids, he said he was glad when the library summer reading challenge ended because I "neglected the housework." He spent his own time reading, just didn't like that I could also get lost in a book. 

And then second husband David convinced me that he, too, loves reading books, so I thought we'd be alright together. Why is it important for me to be with someone who likes to read? They're most likely to respect someone else reading because they understand. I did have a boyfriend before David who told me he doesn't read books, I've never been turned off so hard and fast before. I learned from that and made sure to look for that specifically. David lied his way through it. So when I'd read, he would feel neglected and left alone and literally sit in bed next to me doing nothing, waiting for me to finish.

Reading books, more than any other mediums of reading, is something my soul craves. I need this in my life. "I cannot live without books." -Thomas Jefferson 

So I went without that for 3 years living in my dad's house, then moved on to college where I burst forth into freedom and chose friends and socializing over classes and reading.

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